look no pants
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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