There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
