I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i love accidental penises.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
