So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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