I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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