You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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