I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize