remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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