getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
