I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
