Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize