Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
