I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
