I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
