Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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