I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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