I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
