Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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