I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
