the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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