she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize