So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
