some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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