I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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