Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
