Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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