Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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