Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
