I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
