When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
