ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
