Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
handjob tips. give me some.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
