i just had sex bonerless
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
