Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
