The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
