you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
