Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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