i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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