omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize