do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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