You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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