Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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