Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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