no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
