New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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