Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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