You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
