How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
