im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize