There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
