i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
