No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
