Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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