So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
