i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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