lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Randomize
